The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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