Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
