Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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