Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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