he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
