Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
