Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
