you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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