he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My bed smells like the plague
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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