I can text with my tongue
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
