My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
