Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
