When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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