Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
