I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
