did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
