Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i was born a porn star she said
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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