You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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