She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
