Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
