I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
