I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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