I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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