Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think your dad took our porno
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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