I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh god the rape fog is back!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
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I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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