rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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