Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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