lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
