I wish my penis had an off switch
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Watching her eat just hurts me
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
