Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
