dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Come on in and take your pants off
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