Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Can I color on your dick again?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
