im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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