i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
