Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
