I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
