New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
When are your genitals available?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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