I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
