Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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