God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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