just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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