I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
