We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
