Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
im on a boat
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