the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
