i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
