Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
a search helicopter?!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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