you traded sex for a burrito?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
