You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
