if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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