He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
