tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
They took my balls.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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