Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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