i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
