Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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