hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
farters have to be the big spoon...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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