I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
