I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
